There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
back to work
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar