What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
You Might Also Like
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please