The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.