I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!