I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.