On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.


[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.


*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.


I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.


“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower


[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come


i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it