On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.