@TweetPotato314 Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
@Ohaiqtpie On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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@TweetPotato314 
@Sloppy_Tiger [stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
@1followernodad My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
@dafloydsta This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
@3sunzzz *looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
@Skullcat I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
@UnFitz “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
@Charalanahzard …u ok Nintendo?
@notacroc [First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
@ch000ch i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it