@Ohaiqtpie

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

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@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@Sloppy_Tiger

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@dafloydsta

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@Skullcat

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

@notacroc

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

@ch000ch

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it