[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes