“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: