Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind