those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
the icebreaker
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.