“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better