HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You Might Also Like
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
definitely did not do anything wrong
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am