Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
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My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”