The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.