I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
You Might Also Like
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth