Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
mentally somewhere in italy
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,