wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
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My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there