My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

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“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”


Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.


Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?


I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics


Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.


Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”


One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”


The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”