My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
why isn’t he texting back
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.