@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

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@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@minkpinkustink

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

@Mardigroan

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@Smooheed

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

@ozzyunc

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”