@brennadine I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
@Lisabug74 My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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@brennadine 
@Kauaibride settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
@fridaycandy At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
@schumoo Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
@crownjuul Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
@minkpinkustink I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
@Mardigroan Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
@bazecraze Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
@Smooheed One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
@ozzyunc The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”