[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me My dog
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”