[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
ok like just. call me at this point
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.