Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier