“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.