*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
good work, everybody
Something Saturday.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.