As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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And now we wait
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
i dont have time for this
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.