Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You Might Also Like
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.