my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”