[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.