You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Ironic
yeet
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send