Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.