Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.