Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.