[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.