You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Dune (2021)
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
They’re not wrong
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled