When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.