me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.