My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You Might Also Like
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.