Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.