Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
choose your fighter
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Chemical wingman
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!