“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.