When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You Might Also Like
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.