Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order