Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it