Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Knock Knock
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Match dot com, but for socks.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*