Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
You Might Also Like
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.