Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend