Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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