Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?