*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that