The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
his wife is probably gonna see that
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”