[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no