Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here