[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?