I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.