They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math